Feeling a combination of fear and excitement similar to the weeks just before Ellington came into this world, I am trying not to let it cross my mind too much. I am thrilled that Ellington will have a sister / friend to bond with because I know the joys that having a sister can bring. After all, I grew up with two lovely ladies by my side. Still, this fear that I can't quite explain is ever present. I can't quite explain it because I am not quiet sure what this fear is... I can, however, tell you what it is not.
I am not afraid that Ellington will be jealous of the new little one or that she will feel unloved. Her life is already filled with so many people that love her to pieces and I don't see that ever changing.
I am not afraid that I won't be able to handle two kids. Motherhood is hard work and can be very challenging whether you have one child or ten. I know there will be breakdowns and mommy-tantrums, but I also know that there will be plenty of silly girl moments and sweet toddler kisses to erase away the struggles I am sure to face.
Am I fearful because others have taught me to be fearful? Everyone keeps telling me how hard the months to come will be and how my life is going to change forever (always said with a deep sigh and an eye roll instead of a smile). People also continuously point out all of the things I won't be able to do once baby #2 comes along.
The nursery is put together with the exception of some last minute details, the newborn diapers are to be bought sometime this weekend, emails are drafted and ready to be sent out when baby #2 decides to make her appearance, the guest room is set up for family and friends, and little E keeps yelling at my belly for her sister to come out and play already... we are fully prepared for the new baby. So, why is this fear still lingering around?
I have decided that it is the fear of the unknown, of the change that is coming. It won't go away until after the baby arrives and I am sure, by then, new fears will crowd my mind.
As of this moment, I am no longer going to focus on this fear. I don't know what is to come and that's okay. Life with one child is always an adventure and I never know what will happen from hour to hour, so why waste my time worrying about what will happen a week or a month from now. Now, the only fear in my mind is the fear of the actual birth... that's a whole different chapter of my story that I am sure nobody wants to read.